some thing I wrote in march… and was afraid to post…

I remember her yelling at be about some shoes she packed and she wanted me to find, I could not (they were at home) I left her and the kids at her mothers house and walked home. This way I could be away from the her fight and the kids would not have to see this.  she followed me there 10 minutes later to scream at me about the shoes and then realized she had never packed them and she was there to get them. she brought our youngest child Paisley to witness this. This was normal for her, no matter where I went, she would follow to yell and scream and bring the kids into anyway she could. there was no room on the house I could run to to. I often slept in my car or at work sometime as much as %50 of the time the I lived with her.

Even then she would call and call and leave messages…

When it stared, I tried to listen and understand her anger, I thought I could fix her. That I was worth it to her, to get better. And I thought she would see that it was worth it to me for her to get better.

I Tried reasoning with her at first, but she changed reality on a daily basis. She told me her therapist said, “it takes two to Tango”. I thought WOW… when she starts going off, just don’t be a part of it. I spent months ignoring her when she would yell and scream. Once in a while I would point out that she was the only one talking, and that I was not going to get sucked in.  and she would tire. But she just kept digging and digging emotionally so that I thought what she was saying about me was true. I tried to follow what she said. what I needed to do right to make her happy. but I could never achieve it. Exactly what my father would do to me. I guess I was used to it.

Why was I in Love with her… I fought to hang on and for myself, I learned to fight back, and found I was not allowed to speak and if I did there were sever consequences. After being brought to my lowest I sent my feelings to her in emails… the worst kind of feelings and the most sincere pleadings for her to spot and about how much I loved her… But there was not one thing I said or wrote that made any difference.

As the kids were growing, I started to feel I had to protect them… I also had to show them to stand up… I was afraid to leave her, but felt I had to “be a man”! but I was just a fool now… brought down to her lever… engaging in arguments about “NOTHING” a sock, a show, a bagel, a ham sandwich… Some days I could not go to work it was so bad. some times she would yell at my at work and even in front of my managers.

The first recordings I had were really made by her…

I would beg her to stop screaming and yelling and saying the worst things imaginable about me and how much I loved her and did not want to fight. I did not even know what the fight was about most of the time. But she would not believe that she was yelling and screaming, she told me it was not happening. She told me it was me and I was out of control.

So I save her phone messages that she left on my phone.

One set of phone messages was 27 long. she called me from a friends house, drunk I was not home. next call “where are you” next call, “you Fucker your never there for me…” on and on, till I got home and she was screaming at me on the phone when I picked up. she wanted to come over. I said “NO:! her friends begged me to take her and I told them “NO” she drove over anyway, but got lost and passed out on the median of the high way. the Police woke her up in the morning and sent her home..

I was forced by her (if I wanted to love and respect her), Destroy these recordings of her from my phone as well as any other from my phone that I started to save onto my computer from my phone. So I did, I loved her and she said if I just did this and let the past go, we could be happy and she could trust me… although she claims incidents like this and many others never happened, I am sure there must be a record of her being found on the highway in some police record. She was a ragging alcoholic when I met her… We both like to party, not out of control, but we had fun. I admitted to smoking pot, drinking, and having had a habit in the past. but she lied and made her PAST DISAPPEAR. because she lies and said she never did these thing, and that I was doing things that I was not, the court took her at her word.

So should I  have lied too…  is that I aIl it takes? hide your past and find

Yes I  liked to smoke pot and she liked to drink, so we did it together, I had meeds, for anxiety and pain that she would take to “party with” and even gave some away to her friends and family. Then I would have to get more and look like I was the one that was doing “too much”. I have a prescriptions for Klonipin. And her mother among other people would get her Vicodin and valium. Yes we did this together but the only one out of control was her. She claims it was the other way around, yet other then her word there is no evidence of that. and the word of her mom who gave her pills and pot and whatever else.  I have never denied this about my past and have in the past been to rehab for harder drugs.  But she, and all her friend and family, have decided to pitch it that her past never happened. and of course with me, being the only one admitting to this, and not having a bunch of people to play “he said she said”. It looks like I was the out of control one.

Often she would go off on me so bad, I was crying, when and if I broke down, she would call her or my mother and claim I had been attacking her. I would yell out loud so the person on the other side would hear me. “thats not true, I have done nothing, my ex is going crazy on me!!!” then she would start with the “get away your crazy, he is coming after me, so I would leave and she would talk for hours about how I came after her and the other person has already heard me saying “its not true” and acting all crazy because I was so scared that I was being blamed for the abuse that she was pouring on me… I must have sounded like the crazy one… but even when I left she would commiserate withe everyone and anyone.

I did make recordings to prove what was really going on. but she would find them and throw them out or erase them. she was always breaking ion my computer and emails, she would read and download or erase anything she wanted from my friends letters even after we were divorces she continued to break into my accounts. She would check my history… she would see that I looked at abused husband sites or Child Protective Agency and tell me that I would lose my kids and never see them if I said a word to anyone… and I believed her, i mean she could and did convince anyone and everyone, that I was the monster. Yes I feel horrible about writing her emails about how hurt and upset I was, and giving ultimatums that I was going to leave, yet never did. This still remanned my only hope of her hearing that I was hurt, or felt treated unfair…. I thought she would read them and at some point say “Oh My G-D” what have I done to the one I love… but that never happened. My emails got worse and worse… she would often tell me she did not even read them. that made me feel worst of all. that not only did she not hear my pleas, but she did not care how I hurt so much that I too was now as angry as her.

I believe I had the strength to leave at this point but I had kids and could not leave them with her and was afraid she was right and would keep them from me.

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