some thing I wrote in march… and was afraid to post…

I remember her yelling at be about some shoes she packed and she wanted me to find, I could not (they were at home) I left her and the kids at her mothers house and walked home. This way I could be away from the her fight and the kids would not have to see this.  she followed me there 10 minutes later to scream at me about the shoes and then realized she had never packed them and she was there to get them. she brought our youngest child Paisley to witness this. This was normal for her, no matter where I went, she would follow to yell and scream and bring the kids into anyway she could. there was no room on the house I could run to to. I often slept in my car or at work sometime as much as %50 of the time the I lived with her.

Even then she would call and call and leave messages…

When it stared, I tried to listen and understand her anger, I thought I could fix her. That I was worth it to her, to get better. And I thought she would see that it was worth it to me for her to get better.

I Tried reasoning with her at first, but she changed reality on a daily basis. She told me her therapist said, “it takes two to Tango”. I thought WOW… when she starts going off, just don’t be a part of it. I spent months ignoring her when she would yell and scream. Once in a while I would point out that she was the only one talking, and that I was not going to get sucked in.  and she would tire. But she just kept digging and digging emotionally so that I thought what she was saying about me was true. I tried to follow what she said. what I needed to do right to make her happy. but I could never achieve it. Exactly what my father would do to me. I guess I was used to it.

Why was I in Love with her… I fought to hang on and for myself, I learned to fight back, and found I was not allowed to speak and if I did there were sever consequences. After being brought to my lowest I sent my feelings to her in emails… the worst kind of feelings and the most sincere pleadings for her to spot and about how much I loved her… But there was not one thing I said or wrote that made any difference.

As the kids were growing, I started to feel I had to protect them… I also had to show them to stand up… I was afraid to leave her, but felt I had to “be a man”! but I was just a fool now… brought down to her lever… engaging in arguments about “NOTHING” a sock, a show, a bagel, a ham sandwich… Some days I could not go to work it was so bad. some times she would yell at my at work and even in front of my managers.

The first recordings I had were really made by her…

I would beg her to stop screaming and yelling and saying the worst things imaginable about me and how much I loved her and did not want to fight. I did not even know what the fight was about most of the time. But she would not believe that she was yelling and screaming, she told me it was not happening. She told me it was me and I was out of control.

So I save her phone messages that she left on my phone.

One set of phone messages was 27 long. she called me from a friends house, drunk I was not home. next call “where are you” next call, “you Fucker your never there for me…” on and on, till I got home and she was screaming at me on the phone when I picked up. she wanted to come over. I said “NO:! her friends begged me to take her and I told them “NO” she drove over anyway, but got lost and passed out on the median of the high way. the Police woke her up in the morning and sent her home..

I was forced by her (if I wanted to love and respect her), Destroy these recordings of her from my phone as well as any other from my phone that I started to save onto my computer from my phone. So I did, I loved her and she said if I just did this and let the past go, we could be happy and she could trust me… although she claims incidents like this and many others never happened, I am sure there must be a record of her being found on the highway in some police record. She was a ragging alcoholic when I met her… We both like to party, not out of control, but we had fun. I admitted to smoking pot, drinking, and having had a habit in the past. but she lied and made her PAST DISAPPEAR. because she lies and said she never did these thing, and that I was doing things that I was not, the court took her at her word.

So should I  have lied too…  is that I aIl it takes? hide your past and find

Yes I  liked to smoke pot and she liked to drink, so we did it together, I had meeds, for anxiety and pain that she would take to “party with” and even gave some away to her friends and family. Then I would have to get more and look like I was the one that was doing “too much”. I have a prescriptions for Klonipin. And her mother among other people would get her Vicodin and valium. Yes we did this together but the only one out of control was her. She claims it was the other way around, yet other then her word there is no evidence of that. and the word of her mom who gave her pills and pot and whatever else.  I have never denied this about my past and have in the past been to rehab for harder drugs.  But she, and all her friend and family, have decided to pitch it that her past never happened. and of course with me, being the only one admitting to this, and not having a bunch of people to play “he said she said”. It looks like I was the out of control one.

Often she would go off on me so bad, I was crying, when and if I broke down, she would call her or my mother and claim I had been attacking her. I would yell out loud so the person on the other side would hear me. “thats not true, I have done nothing, my ex is going crazy on me!!!” then she would start with the “get away your crazy, he is coming after me, so I would leave and she would talk for hours about how I came after her and the other person has already heard me saying “its not true” and acting all crazy because I was so scared that I was being blamed for the abuse that she was pouring on me… I must have sounded like the crazy one… but even when I left she would commiserate withe everyone and anyone.

I did make recordings to prove what was really going on. but she would find them and throw them out or erase them. she was always breaking ion my computer and emails, she would read and download or erase anything she wanted from my friends letters even after we were divorces she continued to break into my accounts. She would check my history… she would see that I looked at abused husband sites or Child Protective Agency and tell me that I would lose my kids and never see them if I said a word to anyone… and I believed her, i mean she could and did convince anyone and everyone, that I was the monster. Yes I feel horrible about writing her emails about how hurt and upset I was, and giving ultimatums that I was going to leave, yet never did. This still remanned my only hope of her hearing that I was hurt, or felt treated unfair…. I thought she would read them and at some point say “Oh My G-D” what have I done to the one I love… but that never happened. My emails got worse and worse… she would often tell me she did not even read them. that made me feel worst of all. that not only did she not hear my pleas, but she did not care how I hurt so much that I too was now as angry as her.

I believe I had the strength to leave at this point but I had kids and could not leave them with her and was afraid she was right and would keep them from me.

Advertisements

what constitutes life?

Being able to think and being full of life essence are two different things.  plants do not have an organ like animals called the brain that lets them have an awareness of themselves and their surroundings, but they are still alive and on some level may be conscious of their own existence in a way we could not imagine.

There are people that feel that one day there will be an artificial intelligence.  one that can grasp the world as we do, I do nat share this sentiment. If there is AI someday I think we can no more grasp what consciousness means to the AI then we could image what it is like to be and ant or an ant to imagine understanding us.

but if this come to pass, if one day there is a chip, silicon, quantum, or grafted bio matter resembling our own Brain Cells (what else would we model it after?) and it UNDERSTANDS and THINKS… still, is it alive. Is life only to be given by G-D or Evolution? and is this not a form of evolution, and G-D did give us the power to procreated life, so, is this not “Procreation”?

What is life and what separates the life and experience of a rock, a plant, a star, a molecule of dust in the vacuum of space, from human experience.   can it have a soul and how does that fit in with life, intelligence and the journey?

In Judaism, it is said that all things have a soul, rocks, plants, animals, specs of dust in a vacuum.  there are many levels to this idea and in my studies though out life and good deal more recent in Israel, I have come to fee this is true.  if we believe we are more then just matter, more then just electrical impulses formed by LIVING TUSSUE!!!, I mean we have cells that form a matrix called the brain and the chemical reactions made from the very simple matter we eat, is used to create electrical pulses from cell to cell forming a relay that can have so many switched it can calculate, regulate its heart and come up with original ideas. we can love and hate, feel glad or sad, scared or calm. we can scam or create, defend or destroy.

All things have a soul… I am down with that, my man! In many of the cabalistic teachings G-D created a universe with the laws of physics, and like all parts, quantum physics has an important job.  to me, the idea of only humans haven a soul and animals, mountains the earth and stars themselves being but crude mater, never sat right with me.

I do feel that even right now although there may not be a machine with a soul or the ability to think like we do, there is an inherent life force and soul in everything around us including our computers and robots.  so do my kids teddy bears and our cars and my guitars in particular.  there are many Jewish schools of thought on this but but besides being messengers, some schools refer to angels as the rules of nature. thus making physics itself living ideas that that come to life in the form of energy on one level and mater on another.  In cabalistic thought there is a chain of causality that runs down the tree of life.  it is said that G-D parted himself to make room for the universe that we know.  all the matter and chemical reactions, the thought and doings, as well as quasars and cell phones came about by the creation of a matrix with set rules and some randomization programed in, but if course when we program radomes it is still defined by our idea and what we are already confined to by the laws around us, not so when G-D did her thing.  one subroutine to govern when a leaf falls and another for the variations of droping the same object over and over in a pool of water, but always getting different waves… similar but never the same… and even more mind bending, no snow flake is EVER the SAME… naw… really? thats like, wow… more designs then I could ever come up with.  I think many programers would just make a few basic shapes and have them repeat or randomize certain aspects from a set of parameters giving a definite number of possible outcomes… but snow flacks, have infinite amount of variations, must have something to do with quantum physics for sure.

As I type on my MAC, and set it up to do various tasks, I interact with it.  all over the world people with smart phones cars with computers computers in everything connecting everyone is getting people to interact with a physical objects in a way we never have before.

When will they take on a life of their own, or have they already taken a part of our lives?

No answers here… just questions I think about during the day.

dislexia and ADD, good for artists?

I love to write… well not really its very hard for me, but I like things that are hard and i like being creative.  having dyslexia, ADD and all the other good stuff… I never could spell and often go on in run off sentences… now with spell check a lot of that gets corrected, but I can not type or write as fast as I think and I feel this is my communications. I feel the way I speak is one way and the way I write is another. Language always makes us comform our idea to fit it. but we have no other way to pass information on, so we create the best language we can with syntax and grammar to convy ideas and stories. to ask directions and to give and follow them.

But in the moments of creativity that I can try to get out on a guitar or tabletop, water color or words… I want to stop trying to correct as much as I can, as I have been tought and to let what comes out just stand as what I said or thought.

Of course I do a review of what I have written as I always do, but I never seem to be able to catch all the spelling, forgotten comma or sytaxigramertical errors. So this is what comes out, except for my normal cursory check that I do pretty quick, I ilk the way i write and how it come out. forgotten capitals, clear misspellings, run on sentences and all, I let it stand.

let your thoughts go, tap into the universal mind…

Being able to think and being full of life essence are two different things.  plants do not have an organ like animals called the brain that lets them have an awareness of themselves and their surroundings, but they are still alive and on some level may be conscious of their own existence in a way we could not imagine.

There are people that feel that one day there will be an artificial intelligence.  one that can grasp the world as we do, I do nat share this sentiment. If there is AI someday I think we can no more grasp what consciousness means to the AI then we could image what it is like to be and ant or an ant to imagine understanding us.

but if this come to pass, if one day there is a chip, silicon, positron, or grafted bio matter resembling our own Brain Cells (what else would we model it after?) and it UNDERSTANDS and THINKS… still, is it alive.

What is life and what separates the life and experience of a rock, a plant, a star, a molecule of dust in the vacuum of space, from human experience.   can it have a soul and how does that fit in with life, intelligence and the journey?

In Judaism, it is said that all things have a soul, rocks, plants, animals, specs of dust in a vacuum.  there are many levels to this idea and in my studies though out life and good deal more recent in Israel, I have come to fee this is true.  if we believe we are more then just matter, more then just electrical impulses formed by LIVING TUSSUE!!!, I mean we have cells that form a matrix called the brain and the chemical reactions made from the very simple matter we eat, is used to create electrical pulses from cell to cell forming a relay that can have so many switched it can calculate, regulate its heart and come up with original ideas. we can love and hate, feel glad or sad, scared or calm. we can scam or create, defend or destroy.

All things have a soul… I am down with that, my man! In many of the cabalistic teachings G-D created a universe with the laws of physics, and like all parts, quantum physics has an important job.  to me, the idea of only humans haven a soul and animals, mountains the earth and stars themselves being but crude mater, never sat right with me.

I do feel that even right now although there may not be a machine with a soul or the ability to think like we do, there is an inherent life force and soul in everything around us including our computers and robots.  so do my kids teddy bears and our cars and my guitars in particular.  there are many Jewish schools of thought on this but but besides being messengers, some schools refer to angels as the rules of nature. thus making physics itself living ideas that that come to life in the form of energy on one level and mater on another.  In cabalistic thought there is a chain of causality that runs down the tree of life.  it is said that G-D parted himself to make room for the universe that we know.  all the matter and chemical reactions, the thought and doings, as well as quasars and cell phones came about by the creation of a matrix with set rules and some randomization programed in, but if course when we program radomes it is still defined by our idea and what we are already confined to by the laws around us, not so when G-D did her thing.  one subroutine to govern when a leaf falls and another for the variations of droping the same object over and over in a pool of water, but always getting different waves… similar but never the same… and even more mind bending, no snow flake is EVER the SAME… naw… really? thats like, wow… more designs then I could ever come up with.  I think many programers would just make a few basic shapes and have them repeat or randomize certain aspects from a set of parameters giving a definite number of possible outcomes… but snow flacks, have infinite amount of variations, must have something to do with quantum physics for sure.

As I type on my MAC, and set it up to do various tasks, I interact with it.  all over the world people with smart phones cars with computers computers in everything connecting everyone is getting people to interact with a physical objects in a way we never have before.

___________________

___________________

My mind is a tornado, it never touches ground. Spinning and Whirling, pick them up and throw them around…

Thoughts like derbies are spurn about, littering the landscape of my mind.  they land with impacts of varying degrees, some pass and some demand action.  act now and write this down before it sinks into time bubbles and bent space, in those first few moments… black holes and time space itself warping and twisting, too dense for the laws of physics that we now try to understand, to apply to it, these are my thoughts.  falling into one another like particles super heated, all matter condensed to a pinhead, not even hydrogen could form… how am I supposes to form a coherent thought and interface with those around me, when the universe is being formed in my head?  How else but art does one convay the chaos that echos all we know and see around us in a way that allows us to go on the next day and not question purpose or place, but just to Be.

BE PREPARED

BE PREPARED

If you have been watching the news, you know there is a MESS in the middle EAST. Terrorist groups like Al Qaeda, has all hit us in NYC and Washington during 911, which seems to have been forgotten.

Al Qaeda, ISIS, HAMMAS, ISIL, the middle east if full of people and groups that not only say out load “we HATE and will KILL Americans, JEWS, Christians, the other muslim group, etc…”, they are keeping true to their word. They launch missiles at Israel for no reason, calming we did something to deserve this. Besides Al Qaeda, which has had SUCCESSFUL ATTACKS on USA soil and at our embassies, and Naval vessel (the USS COLE) ISIS is threatening us, telling us the are coming for us. When will people wake up and stand up?

We have Genocides all over the world, I am not even going to google how many countries are experiencing Genocide as the numbers and sides change so fast, your head would spin trying to keep up.

Even here in the USA, we have corruption in government and crime on the street. Politicians give away clean air and soil for the company that will to pay enough, then they push a bill though that allows this hypocrisy. The 1% if the country that are FILTHY RICH, still WANT MORE!!! how greedy are we? They would have us go back to being SURFS, and the economy is showing this to be true. NEVER has their been such a stretch between rich and poor in the USA. The rich have gotten out of control. Its true everyone can not be rich, not matter how much hard work they do, but we have enough money and resources for EVERYONE to live well.

I heard a rich person had said. “I worked for my money, let them work for their money, and the government  is not going to tax me as much as poor workers.” When the Idea of reallocating wealth,they cry out loud this is not a commune, it is a democracy. I made (or inherited this money) let them work as hard as I have or “its not my fault they do not come from a rich family”

The mistake in that statement is not all the rich WORKED for their money, many inherited it, and the few people that make it on their own are few and far in-between. However regardless of this, it is the WORKER that made all that MONEY built your cars, or sell your coffee, or package your sugar. We need these people. If someone comes up with an idea like “Mcdonalds” or “Starbucks” They still need people that they work for them in order for this huge companies to run and make the billions of dollars that they bring in. ThBut these workers are people and they can not all be business owners or stock holders. SOMEONE has to pick up your garbage, someone has to fix all your computers. PAY THEM FAIRLY, so they can have a good and satisfying life where they are not stressing all the time as prices go up, and their pay does not, many can barley pay all their bills. These are hard working people, but someone must work in the factory, just because you own the factory does not mean you should make them work for the lowest amount you could pay them. Stop being so greedy! you have enough beach houses and fancy cars in your homes in NY and LA, or where ever… You can still live good, but understand we are work together as a team and you are treating the star players like dirt, paying just enough so they don’t revolt. And then you ship their jobs overseas and expect the American consumer to have money to buy your big screen TV or car or whatever they make at the factory.

You might be looking at it all wrong, we understand there will always be upper and low class and workers and owners. but to line your own pockets with more and more, as you cut wages and lay off people, is criminal. This is not how to treat your fellow man.

Money does not bring happiness, but knowing you have “Enough” to feed and take care of your family, and have time to spend with family and a few luxuries, is not asking a lot. Yes rich will still fly around in private jets… but the lower class should have more MONEY so they can USE THE AIRLINE YOU OWN. How can your airline fly if people do not have enough to use it. Yes you will have your luxury car, but if the poor get poorer, who will buy your lower class cars? This is not only cold and inhuman, it is a BAD business decision. This system will not sustain itself.

If we follow on this path USA will not be democracy or a commune, it will be a MONARCHY! With a few Elite rich that OWN almost everything and have almost all the money, and at the other end will be beggars and homeless. The few that scrabble and get a job as a bank teller. or sever at McDonnolds, will nearly make enough to live and when they retire they will have no savings or a place to go. They will be thrown out in the cold to die on the street. what country does this to its citizens? A medieval monarchy, we are already seeing this very stuff happen as older people are thrown out in the streets, after a lifetime working at a factory or office, many struggles their whole lives and end up with nothing in the end.

We need to TAX the Rich not give them a break, There is no trickle down, that never worked and never will, because most of the rich just don’t care about anyone else. We need to put a cap on how much the top CEO’s can make, and a higher minimum wage. And Minimum should be Just that Minimum, not wage of the poor. hopefully companies would pay higher then minimum, that the CEO would stop giving them selves $100,000 raise or bonus when they already are rich. They can still get a bonus, but so should the workers.

JUSTICE

This experience I am going though with the abusive mother of my kids, reminds me of what Israel is going though. If anything this reaffirms my place, my job, my path in this life.

I think of ALL THE LIES told about me, that are believed with out proof, or even when there is proof that the lie is a lie, it is ignored. Israel goes though this all the time. WIth no HATE aimed at Egypt, she was still attack. With no hate and having done nothing to Iran or Iraq or she is hated and attacked. lies are spread, that it is the JEWS OWN FAULT for being attacked, all sorts of fake reason are given It was even said and believed that JEWS KILLED CHRISTIAN BABIES AND DRANK THEIR BLOOD. Even though Blood is not Kosher and no Jew would drink blood.

It is interesting the the anti-Semitic country of FRANCE is more then happy to kill and imprison JEW, feels the OPPOSITE about Muslims, and now the Muslims are burring FRANCE. Good luck all you French folk, soon you will all bow to allah, enjoy your submission.

In the 1890’s there was a hearing for a for a BRAVE FRENCH JEWISH SOLDIER NAMED “Alfred Dreyfus”. Who having done nothing wrong was convicted of TREASON, giving secrets to the enemy. 

During his completely unfair trial, the truth came out that IT WAS NOT THE JEW “Alfred Dreyfus” that did this, it was actually Ferdinand Walsin Esterhazy an ARMY MAJOR that had committed the crime. it was even reported in the NEWS PAPER THAT Ferdinand Walsin Esterhazy had committed the crime. Yet the JEW “Alfred Dreyfus” went to JAIL… some people where outraged, he was retried now that the truth was out… YET THEY CAME UP WITH MORE LIES, since the first ones would not hold anymore and he was CONVICTED AGAIN.

This is how I feel, and now I know how he felt… I have protected my kids and never harmed them like is being told. Yet the Abuser, so full of HATE keeps telling new lies and they are believed and without evidence and even with evidence to the contrary, my kids are taken from me. The worst thing is just like JEWISH FAMILIES getting on the train to go to DEATH CAMPS I know my kids have been put on the train to live like in PAIN like Zombies to get though the abuse and lies of their mother.

Do not look at lies that people are telling look at the PROOF. The Proof of actions against ISREAL AND JEWS ARE REAL, Just like the proof of what has happened to my kids and and I are REAL. This is not just something someone can say happened or not or is not happening now. Proof is Missiles are being fired at our countries… that is a FACT, not what some nobody is saying… Screaming, lying, alienating and physical abuse that leave bruises are REAL. I have seen and documented. yet just like Israel people love to hate someone, So I and Israel are the scapegoat so that our enemies can continue to hurt us. NO one will stand up for Israel or my kids and I, They are happy to see them and I burn. I alone Stand for my Kids and will never give up on trying to save them.

In USA and ISRAEL you can say bad things about anyone even insult the president,  people are killed for speaking in in many other countries, include the ones help bent on destroying Israel. I am finding that the First amendment in USA is not really granted to everyone. apparently the truth can be suppressed and those in power will try to stop you from exercising your FREEDOM OF SPEACH.  which become even more important when your enemy is allowed to tell lie after lie, and nothing is done about it, and I am not allowed to speak and defend myself and my kids. THIS IS HOW ISRAEL FEELS, this is what the Jewish people endure and endure and endure.

But at least we know TURTH from LIES, we my be killed in SPAIN for not converting, we may be gassed in Germany just for living, we may be attacked by ALL surround countries that have no reason to attack as we have never attacked or harmed them. But we KNOW THE TRUTH!

HEAR O ISRAEL OUR G-D IS ONE (and the only one)

Blessed is the name of his glorious Kingdom.

You know what else is real… GAS CHAMBERS are REAL!!! HATE speeches, are real from Mahmoud Ahmadinejad! HE has said it OVER AND OVER “WE WILL KILL THE JEW” “WE WILL PUSH THEM INTO THE SEA”, That is the PRESIDENT of Iran. WHO in Israel ever said they want to kill everyone in Iran, or Iraq or Egypt?

NO ONE!

The words of your president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (if your from Iran), are those of HATE and KILLING. How can the country say they do not fell the same way… if the county elected him, then they AGREE with him and HIS GOALS!!! the truth is plan to see from any angle you look at it from.

Yet people say it is Israelis fault and no matter how well Israel sticks to the plan, give up land, help with medical aid, even give its attackers warning before we fight back so that innocents might get out of the path of fire, we are still called ANIMALS and it is our fault that the world HATES US

So it is for Israel, it goes for me and my kids. And I still do not know why. I grew up in an abusive home and was kicked out (like my mother and brothers) by my dad at 14 years old… after 14 years of abuse, it hurt that this man never apologized and kicked me out as if I was the one doing something wrong. I went and married an abuser like the family I had grown up with. but I GREW and I LEFT. I do not want to have anything to do with my abusive parents or EX-wife… yet they continue to lie and attack and have even taken my kids, so that my family will have fresh meat to torture… it took STRENGTH AND COURGE to live though and move past my abusers imprint, I almost believed my father and ex wife lies about me. IF you are told YOU ARE BAD enough time, you start to believe it. But NO MORE, I KNOW THE TRUTH.

But I can not get away, even now, she attacks in court and my millionaire father and mother pay for the abuse and pay to make sure she wins in court so they have a replacement for me, now that I am not there to abuse… MY KIDS… they are now in the clutches of abusers and the family court put them there.

what recourse do I have… should I listen and GET INTO THE GAS CHAMBER. should I stand in line and wait for the machine guns. No parent should have to watch their children torn from them and handed to an abuser a molester, a parent that physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually abused the children, yet I have met parent after parent that this has been done to, by our GOVERNMENT OWNED AND OPERATED FAMILY COURT SYSTEM OF ABUSE.

WHY are my kids and other parent kids given to the abusive ex (mom or dad) and why do they get help from the family court. America PAYS these judges and evaluators that are no more qualified to judge a person then an ANT is qualified to work in a BEE HIVE.

I DO NOT KNOW THE SOLUTION, but I do know THIS MUST STOP.

ISRAEL, G-D willing will STAND forever. My kids and I, and all the other abused children and spouses across the world will stand forever. Because even if you kill us and jail us and burn us and gas us… WE KNOW THE TURTH, WE ARE INNOCENTS AND OUR CHILDREN ARE INNOCENTS. We will protect them and stand for them. We will protest and say out loud “THIS IS AN ATROCITY” and we will NOT GIVE UP until we have saved every last one of our children. Israel will never give up until we are left in PEACE and her citizens are treated like human beings.

 

peace out